I spent this past weekend cleaning my house in preparation for yet another set of out-of-town visitors. It was an exhausting weekend, and I kept wishing that we still lived in a one bedroom apartment. A one bedroom apartment has only one bathroom to clean and no guest bedroom for guests. Sigh! Yes, I know buying a house was our own choice. Somehow back when we were house shopping, being able to entertain out-of-town family and friends seemed worthwhile. We definitely wanted a guest bedroom. Heck, my husband wanted two! I must not have realized that maid service didn’t come with the house when I signed the papers.
But why was I feeling so stressed? I wanted to make a good impression. This is our first home, and this will be the first time these guests have seen our home. I hope that they like our home. I hope that they feel comfortable, and to the extent that our home is a reflection of us, I hope that they think well of us. In short, I care about what they think.
When I reflect back to all the times that I’ve endured great stress and anxiety, I notice that they were all over things I cared deeply about. My dissertation. My wedding. Hosting out of town visitors. Hosting the in-laws. Just listing these items makes my heart pound just a little bit faster. It seems that the more I cared, the greater my stress.
Wouldn’t I be happier if I just didn’t care? Wouldn’t it be easier to just say to hell with what others think of me?
But is caring really the problem? Indeed, some bloggers proclaim that the path to happiness is to not care.
But not caring amounts to giving up. It’s throwing your hands up in the air and no longer trying. If I don’t care, then failure can’t hurt. It no longer matters. Not caring is an excuse to do a lousy job.
When you care about something or someone, everything matters. And the more you care, the more it matters. Caring is synonymous with motivation. When you care, there’s a reason for efforts. If I care about your opinion, then that means you matter to me. I respect your opinion. That isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
But caring can go awry when you care too much about the wrong things. Perhaps to care or not to care is not the right question. Perhaps the right question is what to care about?
In my humble opinion, our human capacity for caring is finite, and thus you have to prioritize what you care about. It’s not humanly possible to care about everything. Caring about getting every last detail exactly right is exhausting. Caring about what every last person thinks of you is overwhelming. Caring too much about too many things is draining. It can end up being counterproductive, because too much stress can be paralyzing. Instead, figure out what are the most important elements. List the key elements that really matter to you. and focus your attention on that.
Weddings make a good example. Did it really matter that my wedding reception décor was ever so slightly off? The red shade of the tablecloth was slightly too bright, while the red shade of the favors were slightly too dark. The hanging Chinese lanterns were also not staggered in height like I had instructed.
No, the décor didn’t matter. It didn’t matter because the food was fantastic, I couldn’t stop smiling, and I had heard the sweetest words from my husband during our ceremony. I say that décor didn’t matter, but not because it’s trivial; it’s because that’s not who I am. I can imagine that if I were an artist, a graphic designer, or an interior decorator, then décor would matter a lot. The décor would become a reflection of me as an artist. The visual impact would matter, and it would matter a lot. Although I appreciate fabulous wedding décor, it simply wasn’t at the top of my priority list.
As for the question, to care or not to care? I say, care. Care whole heartedly, but care consciously. Prioritize. Care about what matters to you.
Education: a consumption good or an investment good?
My seventh grade English teacher was a hippie whose spirit forever remained in the 60s. He had us listen to vinyl records in the classroom and write analytical essays about the songs of Simon and Garfunkel. Despite being a part of our nation’s educational institution, he often ranted and raved against it. He challenged us to think beyond our roles as students chugging along in the massive factory called school.
As I have described it, education is a consumption good. Now, what do I mean by that?
I love to learn just for the sake of learning. I love the act of learning, in and of itself. The knowledge doesn’t have to be useful. Many students often bother their math teachers with, “Why do I have to know trigonometry? When am I ever going to use this again?” For me, I’m sure to forget what I learn, so the usefulness of what I learn isn’t relevant to my enjoyment of learning. And even though what I learn may never be useful, I still love to learn. I enjoy the intense focus, the mental exercises, and the challenges. I love the feeling of confidence and pride when I master a new skill. There is nothing in the world like discovering a new way of seeing the world, that lightbulb moment, when all of your thoughts come together towards a simple and elegant conclusion.
This is how education is a consumption good for me. I get positive units of happiness just by the consumption of education.
But for many in the world, education is not thought of as a consumption good, it is often considered an investment good. Policy makers ask, “What are the returns to a four year degree? Is it worthwhile for the federal government to subsidize the interest on student loans?” Recent college graduates ask, “What are the returns to a master’s degree? Is it worth it?” When people ask the question, “Is it worth it?”, they are trying to figure out whether plopping down some $100,000 and years of their life will yield a greater monetary reward. How much more do you make with a Master’s degree? Some argue in favor of graduate school, while others argue against it. But when they take their stances, they all view education as an investment good, and investment good alone.
When people think of investment goods, they usually think of stocks and bonds. You buy stocks and bonds not because you actually get any happiness from buying it, but you anticipate getting all of that money back plus a 10% return next year. The same is true for education. Those with a four-year bachelor’s degree earn on average $20,000 more annually than those with only a high school degree. Over the course of a lifetime, that adds up to quite a lot of additional money, making the college investment worthwhile.
It’s useful to ask yourself whether or not you think of education as a consumption good or investment good, especially if you are grappling with the decision of whether or not to take on additional schooling.
For me, education is a consumption good. Even without a return on the money and time invested, I would have pursued my graduate studies. And I think this is largely true for most of people who pursue Ph.D.’s. Certainly, not all. But most. You have to be somewhat crazy to pursue a Ph.D. You have to love it for its own sake, because the return is not high. Those with professional degrees earn more than those with doctorates.
To figure out whether or not you view education as a consumption good or an investment good, ask yourself the following questions:
Why are you here at school? Are you here because you have to be here or because you want to be here?I’m not sure that I understood why my teacher felt so impassioned against The Man, but the idea of learning for its own sake struck a chord with me. Learning in all of its forms was fun. It enriched my mind. It was an endless source of happiness, because there was always more to learn. I was exposed to a myriad of subjects in school that I would have never otherwise encountered. All these topics were beautiful and fascinating. Now certainly, school does not have the monopoly on education. Just by interacting with others, I learned about human nature. Just by looking out the window, I learned about changing seasons. Both in and out of school, I was learning something all the time.
Why do you strive for good grades? Do you care to learn? Or is it so you can get into a good college, so that you can get a good job, and then work for The Man?
Why not learn for the sake of learning?
As I have described it, education is a consumption good. Now, what do I mean by that?
I love to learn just for the sake of learning. I love the act of learning, in and of itself. The knowledge doesn’t have to be useful. Many students often bother their math teachers with, “Why do I have to know trigonometry? When am I ever going to use this again?” For me, I’m sure to forget what I learn, so the usefulness of what I learn isn’t relevant to my enjoyment of learning. And even though what I learn may never be useful, I still love to learn. I enjoy the intense focus, the mental exercises, and the challenges. I love the feeling of confidence and pride when I master a new skill. There is nothing in the world like discovering a new way of seeing the world, that lightbulb moment, when all of your thoughts come together towards a simple and elegant conclusion.
This is how education is a consumption good for me. I get positive units of happiness just by the consumption of education.
But for many in the world, education is not thought of as a consumption good, it is often considered an investment good. Policy makers ask, “What are the returns to a four year degree? Is it worthwhile for the federal government to subsidize the interest on student loans?” Recent college graduates ask, “What are the returns to a master’s degree? Is it worth it?” When people ask the question, “Is it worth it?”, they are trying to figure out whether plopping down some $100,000 and years of their life will yield a greater monetary reward. How much more do you make with a Master’s degree? Some argue in favor of graduate school, while others argue against it. But when they take their stances, they all view education as an investment good, and investment good alone.
When people think of investment goods, they usually think of stocks and bonds. You buy stocks and bonds not because you actually get any happiness from buying it, but you anticipate getting all of that money back plus a 10% return next year. The same is true for education. Those with a four-year bachelor’s degree earn on average $20,000 more annually than those with only a high school degree. Over the course of a lifetime, that adds up to quite a lot of additional money, making the college investment worthwhile.
It’s useful to ask yourself whether or not you think of education as a consumption good or investment good, especially if you are grappling with the decision of whether or not to take on additional schooling.
For me, education is a consumption good. Even without a return on the money and time invested, I would have pursued my graduate studies. And I think this is largely true for most of people who pursue Ph.D.’s. Certainly, not all. But most. You have to be somewhat crazy to pursue a Ph.D. You have to love it for its own sake, because the return is not high. Those with professional degrees earn more than those with doctorates.
To figure out whether or not you view education as a consumption good or an investment good, ask yourself the following questions:
- Do you learn for the sake of learning? Or do you learn, so that you can produce something from what you learned?
- Does it matter to you whether what you learn is useful in the future?
- Do you expect to earn substantially more as a result of another degree?
- Is there a particular job or occupation you strive towards and education is just a means to your end?
- Do you hope that education will open more doors for you?
- What do you want to get out of more education? Are you hoping to earn more money? Get a better paying job? Earn the respect of your parents? Or just explore the views of this world?
On relationships
Relationships are the soul of our lives. It is our interactions with other humans that make a life. How social we are, in terms of both quantity and quality, largely determine our happiness in life. And the most significant relationship is the one you have with your significant other. It's the most significant because it's the one that has the greatest impact on your daily happiness. While we might have close relationships with our parents, children, or friends, there isn't any other relationship quite like that with your spouse.
As there is no end to the journey of personal development, there is no end to the journey of developing your relationship. Just because there is nothing wrong with your relationship, doesn't mean that you stop improving it. There is always room for improvement, for there is always room for more love and happiness. This is one area of life that is worth your investment in both time and effort.
Here are the five core elements to a happy relationship:
With this post, I conclude my series on relationships. I hope it has been helpful. Please chime in with your own tidbits of wisdom on relationships. I'd love to hear your suggestions.
As there is no end to the journey of personal development, there is no end to the journey of developing your relationship. Just because there is nothing wrong with your relationship, doesn't mean that you stop improving it. There is always room for improvement, for there is always room for more love and happiness. This is one area of life that is worth your investment in both time and effort.
Here are the five core elements to a happy relationship:
- Love
First comes love. Without love, there is nothing. You can't have a relationship with love. But you'll need other elements beyond love to develop and nurture your relationship. - Mindfulness
Being mindful of yourself, your spouse, and how the two of you interact is crucial to improving your relationship. Couples often fall into certain patterns of behavior. For instance, he says one thing. She interprets it as a personal affront and gets defensive. He becomes infuriated that she's being defensive, because he feels misunderstood. And this pattern repeats itself over and over again. Being mindful can help you break these sorts of unhealthy cycles. - Communication
Practicing mindfulness leads to better communication, because mindfulness offers you substantial content to convey. How can you express to your spouse that your pattern of defensiveness began in your childhood, if you aren't even aware of it? How can you express to your spouse that you are defensive because you take his words personally, if you aren't even aware that you are taking it personally? Communication is key to all relationships. - Differences
Understanding the differences between a couple helps smooth over many potential unspoken pitfalls. For instance, couples often express their love differently. One half of a couple might express her love by taking on his share of the chores. If he's had a long and miserable day at work, she might do the dishes on his turn. This is how she chooses to express her love because that is what she would like to receive as an expression of love. If she had a bad day at work, she would love her partner to say, 'Honey, I'll take care of the dishes tonight.' And yet, perhaps that's not what her partner actually wants after a long day at work, so he doesn't even notice the expression of love, let alone appreciate it. Instead, he wanted her company, not for her to stand at the kitchen sink. - Acceptance
Accept your differences. Accept your partner for exactly who she is. Stop trying to change your spouse. Change can occur, but it comes from within. People change only if they want to, not because someone else wants them to. Fighting against the someone's true nature is a losing battle that only fuels bitterness, resentment, and frustration. Accept that nature and find a way to work with it, not against it. Channel it towards something useful and productive. Give it an outlet to grow and develop.
With this post, I conclude my series on relationships. I hope it has been helpful. Please chime in with your own tidbits of wisdom on relationships. I'd love to hear your suggestions.
On relationships: Love
What is love?
Some say it a feeling, an emotion. Others say it’s a choice. Love is deeply caring about someone, caring about their well-being and happiness. Love is the willingness to sacrifice your own utility to increase that of another, because the chance to bring a smile to another’s face is the chance to double that sacrificed utility. Love is a fiery passion. Love is shooting endorphins, perhaps an excess of dopamine. Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is endless compassion and even greater empathy. Love conquers all.
What is love? Love is all of the above.
Is love a choice?
As much as I believe in rational choice, I remain unconvinced that with whom you fall in love is a choice. There exists a certain chemistry that is simply inexplicable. Anyone who has ever faced the Heathcliff/Linton dilemma can attest to the irrationality of falling in love. On the one hand, there is Heathcliff, the man you passionately love, but is wrong for you in so many ways. On the other hand, there is Linton, the man with perfect manners and the ability to financially support you. You desperately wish to fall in love with the Linton in your life, but you just can’t.
But after the passion fades, and it does fade, you are left with a choice. It’s at this stage in the game that love becomes a choice. You might not get to choose with whom you fall in love, but you do choose whether or not to continue that love. Do you nurture that rose bud and let it grow and develop into full bloom? Or do you neglect it and hope that nature will provide sufficient rainfall? Or, further, do you nip it in the bud all together?
Love is a choice in the sense that all of your behaviors are choices. You choose kind words or snappy ones. You choose to be forgiving or critical. You choose to spend time with your spouse or not. You choose to be honest or deceitful. These are all choices.
Is it true that all you need is love?
Yes and No.
Yes, in the sense that once you have love, all else is derived from love. Love is what is necessary to generate the commitment and willingness to cultivate a relationship. It is love that leads us to better communication. It is love that leads us to forgiveness. It is love that leads us to do what it takes to make the relationship work. It is love that leads us to couples counseling if we are on the brink. Without love, you have nothing.
But no, in the sense that you cannot simply hope that nature will provide sufficient rainfall for your budding love. Love is not a magic pill. Love is not an excuse to be lazy.
We can always use more love, both in terms of loving others and loving ourselves. Loving ourselves improves our love for others. Loving ourselves means that we are less pre-occupied with self-preservation. Loving ourselves also means that we are more willing to accept love, for we often accept the love we think we deserve. The ability to accept love is just as important as the ability to offer love.
Some say it a feeling, an emotion. Others say it’s a choice. Love is deeply caring about someone, caring about their well-being and happiness. Love is the willingness to sacrifice your own utility to increase that of another, because the chance to bring a smile to another’s face is the chance to double that sacrificed utility. Love is a fiery passion. Love is shooting endorphins, perhaps an excess of dopamine. Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is endless compassion and even greater empathy. Love conquers all.
What is love? Love is all of the above.
Is love a choice?
As much as I believe in rational choice, I remain unconvinced that with whom you fall in love is a choice. There exists a certain chemistry that is simply inexplicable. Anyone who has ever faced the Heathcliff/Linton dilemma can attest to the irrationality of falling in love. On the one hand, there is Heathcliff, the man you passionately love, but is wrong for you in so many ways. On the other hand, there is Linton, the man with perfect manners and the ability to financially support you. You desperately wish to fall in love with the Linton in your life, but you just can’t.
But after the passion fades, and it does fade, you are left with a choice. It’s at this stage in the game that love becomes a choice. You might not get to choose with whom you fall in love, but you do choose whether or not to continue that love. Do you nurture that rose bud and let it grow and develop into full bloom? Or do you neglect it and hope that nature will provide sufficient rainfall? Or, further, do you nip it in the bud all together?
Love is a choice in the sense that all of your behaviors are choices. You choose kind words or snappy ones. You choose to be forgiving or critical. You choose to spend time with your spouse or not. You choose to be honest or deceitful. These are all choices.
Is it true that all you need is love?
Yes and No.
Yes, in the sense that once you have love, all else is derived from love. Love is what is necessary to generate the commitment and willingness to cultivate a relationship. It is love that leads us to better communication. It is love that leads us to forgiveness. It is love that leads us to do what it takes to make the relationship work. It is love that leads us to couples counseling if we are on the brink. Without love, you have nothing.
But no, in the sense that you cannot simply hope that nature will provide sufficient rainfall for your budding love. Love is not a magic pill. Love is not an excuse to be lazy.
We can always use more love, both in terms of loving others and loving ourselves. Loving ourselves improves our love for others. Loving ourselves means that we are less pre-occupied with self-preservation. Loving ourselves also means that we are more willing to accept love, for we often accept the love we think we deserve. The ability to accept love is just as important as the ability to offer love.
On relationships: Acceptance
Beyond understanding spousal differences is accepting those differences. In particular, accept your spouse for exactly who she is. When we fall in love, we usually fall in love with most of a person. But it’s hardly the case that we fall in love with all of a person. There’s always at least some little part that we wish wasn’t true about our spouse. When you choose to be with someone, you choose to be with all parts of that person. It’s the whole person or none at all. You cannot pick and choose your preferred traits. You may love the free, vivacious spirit, but along with that spirit comes someone who cannot pay the bills on time.
Instead of fighting against the reality of those undesirable traits, accept them. Instead of trying to change your husband’s lazy habits, accept him. Instead of denying the fact that your wife spends too much money, accept her.
Acceptance is not easy, because reality is not always rosy. Sure, it’s easy to accept someone who is kind, considerate, and joyful. But not everyone radiates such wonderful qualities all the time. Sometimes your spouse is a slob. Sometimes your spouse is a clean freak, verging on OCD. Sometimes your spouse is a self-centered arrogant jerk. Sometimes your spouse is neurotic and excessively anxious about everything. Sometimes your spouse is insecure and sensitive. Whatever the trait may be, that is reality.
Many people automatically want to deny reality, try to change the undesirable, push back, and be defensive. Denying reality means that you are ignoring this part of your spouse. You are denying its existence. Why would you want to deny a part of the person you love?
Accepting the reality of your spouse is freeing. It’s cathartic. You realize that that your self-centered arrogant jerk of a husband isn’t intentionally trying to hurt your feelings. It’s not personal. In fact, his choice of words has absolutely nothing to do with you. This is who he is. This is how he expresses himself. Imagine if you just let him express himself precisely how he wishes to express himself without taking any of it personally. It's like hearing a piece of angry music. You appreciate the artist for expressing himself with such raw and intense emotion. You appreciate the music and even relate to it, especially on your hardest days. You wouldn’t dare try to quell the artist’s emotion or expression. Why quell your spouse’s emotion? That’s precisely the artist’s beauty. It has nothing to do with you. It’s not personal.
It is truly a generous gift to allow your spouse to fully express herself, to just be exactly who she is to the fullest. To not stop her with interjections of what should be, what should not be, and how silly she sounds. To fully embrace all parts of her, make her feel safe, and to encourage her to be her authentic self without fear.
Instead of fighting against reality, work with it. Severely fighting back against reality and denying its existence usually makes the situation worse. Constantly yelling at the wife who shops too much will result in her hiding her purchases. When I worked in retail, I was astonished by how many women commented about how they had to hide their purchases from their husbands. Hiding is a form of denial, and denial only exacerbates problems. Even aside from the problem itself, I find it kind of sad that the wife must live in fear of her husband’s reaction.
Acceptance is not the same as agreement, nor is it the same as approval. Acceptance is not judgmental. Acceptance is about fully embracing your spouse in the present. In this moment in time, your husband is a lazy bum. In this moment in time, your wife is a nag. You don’t have to agree with, approve of, or like a particular characteristic to accept it.
Let’s take a moment and think of dogs. Dogs like to chew. Dogs like to dig. The best way to get them to stop chewing on your furniture is to give them something acceptable to chew on – a piece of rawhide, a chew toy, or a Kong toy. The best way to get them to stop digging up the flower bed is to give them a place of their own to dig up. Chewing and digging are what dogs do. It is in their nature. Accepting that fact means that we give them an appropriate outlet to express their true selves. It does not mean that we approve of them chewing or digging all the time.
Similarly, you can accept your husband’s lazy ways by being more forgiving of certain things as long as he agrees to comply with other things. He can sleep until noon if he likes, but the dishes must be done before he goes to bed. Find some sort of acceptable outlet that you two can agree on. Don’t deny your spouse’s true nature. Find a way to make it work.
Accepting people as they are does not imply that people don’t change. They can change, but people change if and only if they want to. One half of a couple is not going to change just because the other half wants her to change. Changing for another person never works in the long-run. In addition to consciously decided change, people also evolve. They grow up and change slowly in subconscious and unimaginable ways. They change based upon their life experiences and the people around them. People are always developing and growing. At some point, the wife might learn that she shops excessively to fulfill a void in her life. But she won’t realize this if she’s in a constant yelling match with her husband. Acceptance in the present moment allows for positive growth in the future.
Instead of fighting against the reality of those undesirable traits, accept them. Instead of trying to change your husband’s lazy habits, accept him. Instead of denying the fact that your wife spends too much money, accept her.
Acceptance is not easy, because reality is not always rosy. Sure, it’s easy to accept someone who is kind, considerate, and joyful. But not everyone radiates such wonderful qualities all the time. Sometimes your spouse is a slob. Sometimes your spouse is a clean freak, verging on OCD. Sometimes your spouse is a self-centered arrogant jerk. Sometimes your spouse is neurotic and excessively anxious about everything. Sometimes your spouse is insecure and sensitive. Whatever the trait may be, that is reality.
Many people automatically want to deny reality, try to change the undesirable, push back, and be defensive. Denying reality means that you are ignoring this part of your spouse. You are denying its existence. Why would you want to deny a part of the person you love?
Accepting the reality of your spouse is freeing. It’s cathartic. You realize that that your self-centered arrogant jerk of a husband isn’t intentionally trying to hurt your feelings. It’s not personal. In fact, his choice of words has absolutely nothing to do with you. This is who he is. This is how he expresses himself. Imagine if you just let him express himself precisely how he wishes to express himself without taking any of it personally. It's like hearing a piece of angry music. You appreciate the artist for expressing himself with such raw and intense emotion. You appreciate the music and even relate to it, especially on your hardest days. You wouldn’t dare try to quell the artist’s emotion or expression. Why quell your spouse’s emotion? That’s precisely the artist’s beauty. It has nothing to do with you. It’s not personal.
It is truly a generous gift to allow your spouse to fully express herself, to just be exactly who she is to the fullest. To not stop her with interjections of what should be, what should not be, and how silly she sounds. To fully embrace all parts of her, make her feel safe, and to encourage her to be her authentic self without fear.
Instead of fighting against reality, work with it. Severely fighting back against reality and denying its existence usually makes the situation worse. Constantly yelling at the wife who shops too much will result in her hiding her purchases. When I worked in retail, I was astonished by how many women commented about how they had to hide their purchases from their husbands. Hiding is a form of denial, and denial only exacerbates problems. Even aside from the problem itself, I find it kind of sad that the wife must live in fear of her husband’s reaction.
Acceptance is not the same as agreement, nor is it the same as approval. Acceptance is not judgmental. Acceptance is about fully embracing your spouse in the present. In this moment in time, your husband is a lazy bum. In this moment in time, your wife is a nag. You don’t have to agree with, approve of, or like a particular characteristic to accept it.
Let’s take a moment and think of dogs. Dogs like to chew. Dogs like to dig. The best way to get them to stop chewing on your furniture is to give them something acceptable to chew on – a piece of rawhide, a chew toy, or a Kong toy. The best way to get them to stop digging up the flower bed is to give them a place of their own to dig up. Chewing and digging are what dogs do. It is in their nature. Accepting that fact means that we give them an appropriate outlet to express their true selves. It does not mean that we approve of them chewing or digging all the time.
Similarly, you can accept your husband’s lazy ways by being more forgiving of certain things as long as he agrees to comply with other things. He can sleep until noon if he likes, but the dishes must be done before he goes to bed. Find some sort of acceptable outlet that you two can agree on. Don’t deny your spouse’s true nature. Find a way to make it work.
Accepting people as they are does not imply that people don’t change. They can change, but people change if and only if they want to. One half of a couple is not going to change just because the other half wants her to change. Changing for another person never works in the long-run. In addition to consciously decided change, people also evolve. They grow up and change slowly in subconscious and unimaginable ways. They change based upon their life experiences and the people around them. People are always developing and growing. At some point, the wife might learn that she shops excessively to fulfill a void in her life. But she won’t realize this if she’s in a constant yelling match with her husband. Acceptance in the present moment allows for positive growth in the future.
On relationships: Differences
As children, we’re all taught the Golden Rule:
While this rule of reciprocity works reasonably well in general, it can also be a source of trouble, especially for a couple. The problem arises because how you wish to be treated may not be the same as how your spouse wishes to be treated. You might think that you are expressing your love and consideration by following this Golden Rule, but instead, it might be received with confusion and hostility. Treat your spouse how she actually wants to be treated rather than how you want to be treated.
As a starting point, be aware of your differences and understand them. Everyone’s needs are different, but we often assume that our needs are the same. Here are a few examples of different needs drawn from my own life and from my friends’ lives.
I have a need for validation. I need to be heard. Now, I don’t need agreement, but I need others, and especially my husband, to fully listen to what I have to say. Because this is a very important need for me, I tend to go out of my way to validate other people’s thoughts and feelings. I treat others how I wish to be treated. But it just so happens to be the case that validation isn’t terribly important to my husband. I still do validate his thoughts and feelings, but I think that this effort may be lost on him. Moreover, because validation is not a need for him, he doesn’t fully comprehend my need for it. It took me quite a few years just to understand this need within myself, and then another few years to communicate this need to my husband. It’s only recently that he’s starting to really get it.
On the flip side, my husband has a need for moral support. When doing housework and home improvement, he needs a cheerleader. I always had a tendency to leave him alone. I prefer to do my housework alone. Chores get done faster and more efficiently when other people and animals are not in the way. So because I prefer to be alone when doing housework, I assumed that he would too. Besides, I could spend that time doing other work. But he always whined and found ways to get me to attend to him. "Where’s the screw driver? Can you find the tape measure? Get me the level." After some time and frustration, I learned that he just needed moral support. I didn’t have to do anything, except sit by him and be his personal cheerleader. This was a foreign concept to me. Why in the world would anyone want a personal cheerleader? I don’t know. All I know is that my company puts him in a better mood and being in a good mood helps him complete his tasks.
One of my friends is the type of person who hates to be told what to do. In other words, she has a huge need for autonomy, the freedom to do what she wants to do when she wants to do it. When she moved in with her boyfriend, he had a certain expectation of how the dishes were to be done. They had to be washed by hand, not by the dishwasher. The dishwasher was nothing more than an expensive drying rack. Moreover, the dishes were to be done immediately after dinner. Needless to say, this drove her crazy and they got into a big fight. Why did it matter how the dishes were done, so long as they were done? If you are getting to be a nag, ask yourself, are you micromanaging? Does your spouse have a need for autonomy which you are ignoring?
Introverts and extroverts can sometimes misunderstand each others' needs. As an introvert, I have a need for alone time, and I understand when others do as well. I make a concerted effort to allow others alone time, and never take it as a personal affront. While I understand this need, not everyone does. Not everyone has the same need for daily solitude. Misunderstandings can occur when one half of a couple has a great need for alone time, while the other has a great need for social interaction. The extrovert might be clamoring all over the introvert, who just wants to get away and be by himself. But this extrovert just sees it as a personal affront. Understanding these differences and trying to ensure those needs are met is crucial in avoiding costly misunderstandings.
Just as we all have different needs, we also have different solutions for problems. The one brilliant piece of insight I loved from Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus was that when women express a problem, they want to be heard, whereas when men express a problem, they want a solution. I always try to keep this in mind when communicating with my husband. Sometimes, I'll even remind him of this insight and remind him of my need for validation.
In the end, treating others how you wish to be treated is actually rather self-centered, because the focus remains on the self. The Golden Rule works reasonably well in polite company because we don’t always know strangers, acquaintances, and co-workers well enough to behave otherwise. The only reference point you have to work with is yourself. However, in the case of a spouse, take the time to understand your differences. And treat your spouse as he wishes to be treated rather than how you wish to be treated.
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
While this rule of reciprocity works reasonably well in general, it can also be a source of trouble, especially for a couple. The problem arises because how you wish to be treated may not be the same as how your spouse wishes to be treated. You might think that you are expressing your love and consideration by following this Golden Rule, but instead, it might be received with confusion and hostility. Treat your spouse how she actually wants to be treated rather than how you want to be treated.
As a starting point, be aware of your differences and understand them. Everyone’s needs are different, but we often assume that our needs are the same. Here are a few examples of different needs drawn from my own life and from my friends’ lives.
I have a need for validation. I need to be heard. Now, I don’t need agreement, but I need others, and especially my husband, to fully listen to what I have to say. Because this is a very important need for me, I tend to go out of my way to validate other people’s thoughts and feelings. I treat others how I wish to be treated. But it just so happens to be the case that validation isn’t terribly important to my husband. I still do validate his thoughts and feelings, but I think that this effort may be lost on him. Moreover, because validation is not a need for him, he doesn’t fully comprehend my need for it. It took me quite a few years just to understand this need within myself, and then another few years to communicate this need to my husband. It’s only recently that he’s starting to really get it.
On the flip side, my husband has a need for moral support. When doing housework and home improvement, he needs a cheerleader. I always had a tendency to leave him alone. I prefer to do my housework alone. Chores get done faster and more efficiently when other people and animals are not in the way. So because I prefer to be alone when doing housework, I assumed that he would too. Besides, I could spend that time doing other work. But he always whined and found ways to get me to attend to him. "Where’s the screw driver? Can you find the tape measure? Get me the level." After some time and frustration, I learned that he just needed moral support. I didn’t have to do anything, except sit by him and be his personal cheerleader. This was a foreign concept to me. Why in the world would anyone want a personal cheerleader? I don’t know. All I know is that my company puts him in a better mood and being in a good mood helps him complete his tasks.
One of my friends is the type of person who hates to be told what to do. In other words, she has a huge need for autonomy, the freedom to do what she wants to do when she wants to do it. When she moved in with her boyfriend, he had a certain expectation of how the dishes were to be done. They had to be washed by hand, not by the dishwasher. The dishwasher was nothing more than an expensive drying rack. Moreover, the dishes were to be done immediately after dinner. Needless to say, this drove her crazy and they got into a big fight. Why did it matter how the dishes were done, so long as they were done? If you are getting to be a nag, ask yourself, are you micromanaging? Does your spouse have a need for autonomy which you are ignoring?
Introverts and extroverts can sometimes misunderstand each others' needs. As an introvert, I have a need for alone time, and I understand when others do as well. I make a concerted effort to allow others alone time, and never take it as a personal affront. While I understand this need, not everyone does. Not everyone has the same need for daily solitude. Misunderstandings can occur when one half of a couple has a great need for alone time, while the other has a great need for social interaction. The extrovert might be clamoring all over the introvert, who just wants to get away and be by himself. But this extrovert just sees it as a personal affront. Understanding these differences and trying to ensure those needs are met is crucial in avoiding costly misunderstandings.
Just as we all have different needs, we also have different solutions for problems. The one brilliant piece of insight I loved from Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus was that when women express a problem, they want to be heard, whereas when men express a problem, they want a solution. I always try to keep this in mind when communicating with my husband. Sometimes, I'll even remind him of this insight and remind him of my need for validation.
In the end, treating others how you wish to be treated is actually rather self-centered, because the focus remains on the self. The Golden Rule works reasonably well in polite company because we don’t always know strangers, acquaintances, and co-workers well enough to behave otherwise. The only reference point you have to work with is yourself. However, in the case of a spouse, take the time to understand your differences. And treat your spouse as he wishes to be treated rather than how you wish to be treated.
On relationships: Communication
Of all relationship advice out there in the world, the number one piece of advice has got to be on communication. The way I see it, communication is a necessary, but not sufficient condition for a successful relationship. That is, you can’t have a successful relationship without good communication. But sometimes two people just aren’t meant for each other even with the best communication skills. For this post, I’m going to sidestep the issue of whether or not two people should be together. Instead, I’ll just address the issue of improving communication.
To his credit, it was my husband who tirelessly insisted time and time again for more communication. When we first met, I was an expert in the fine art of pouting.
The process towards greater communication did not come easily. I had built up a well-guarded emotional wall around myself. To a large extent, it still exists.
Achieving better communication takes time and there is always room for improvement. It’s a never ending but worthwhile climb. Even when you think that you have a great relationship and truly open communication, some force of nature beyond your control will challenge those bonds and your ability to communicate. A job might be lost. A miscarriage might occur. A parent might pass away. Take these challenges as opportunities for growth.
Here are a few practical tips that have helped me. Hopefully they will help you too. And be sure to add your own tips. Please share what works for you.
Write a letter, or better yet, blog.
Like I said, I had a well-established emotional wall around myself and I found it extremely difficult to open up and talk. I didn’t feel safe enough to reveal my inner thoughts to my husband. Sometimes I didn’t even feel safe enough to reveal those thoughts and feelings to my own self. As I mentioned in my previous post, feeling safe is the number one condition for opening up and expressing yourself.
If you have difficulty, like me, in expressing yourself, then I suggest putting those thoughts in writing. Now, in the olden days, I’d say that you could write a letter to your spouse. Writing allows you to express yourself more freely without an immediate reaction and without being interrupted. Writing a letter feels safe.
Now, here’s a modern day twist on letter writing that my husband suggested for us – a private blog. It’s easy to set up a blog for just two people, and it has worked out brilliantly for us. It’s a safe place to spell out grievances, to rant and rave, and also for sheepish apologies.
Express yourself.
Express yourself rather than getting upset over the fact that your spouse is not a mind reader.
If you had a bad day at work or are coming home with a major disappointment, tell your spouse. Just be honest and say that you’ve had a rough day. Don’t assume that he already knows by the look on your face. He’s not a mind reader. Similarly, avoid saying one thing and meaning another.
Please don’t play the martyr. It also doesn’t benefit anyone, and it never ends well. Don’t think that your overwhelmingly bad day is not worth burdening others about. Bottling up your own emotions because you don’t want to unleash negativity may work in the short-run, but it certainly won’t in the long-run. Resentment and bitterness will slowly build up and those feelings will come out in unexpected ways.
Effectively expressing yourself also requires you to know yourself. This is where mindfulness comes into play. You have to be aware of your own feelings first before you can express them. Be aware of how you are feeling. You can even be aware of the fact that you are uncomfortable expressing those feelings. And my advice is, express exactly that. Start by saying that you are uncomfortable about expressing your feelings. At least you are trying, and it will mostly likely be received with sympathy and support.
Establish ground rules.
Although my husband and I have never formally sat down to establish ground rules, I think of the following as our ground rules:
Avoid sweeping generalizations.
It’s easy to fall into the trap of the accusatory nevers and always.
Instead, try addressing the issue in the present moment. In a calm, matter of fact voice, I suggest saying,
It’s easy to perceive a situation as a personal attack and thus respond defensively. But most of the time, it’s not personal. Most of the time, it’s not about you, it’s about whoever is speaking. When you take things personally, you automatically become defensive. It’s much more effective to be assertive without being aggressive or defensive.
Find your own path.
After a couple makes a large sweeping effort to improve their communication, they become aware of what they are “supposed to” say for more effective communication.
You are supposed to validate each other’s feelings, speak about your own feelings, not speak in anger, etc. But couples don’t always follow these rules. Sometimes when my husband talks to me, I have an expectation of what he is supposed to say. And oftentimes he doesn’t say what he is supposed to say. The reality doesn’t match my expectation and a small voice in my head becomes outraged. That’s not what he’s supposed to say. He was supposed to validate my feelings and not accuse me.
In reality, there is no right thing to say. There may be better or worse ways to convey a thought, but there is no right way.
In the end, you have to find what works for you, and what works for you may not work for someone else.
To his credit, it was my husband who tirelessly insisted time and time again for more communication. When we first met, I was an expert in the fine art of pouting.
“What’s wrong?”And to this day, he has never left me alone.
“Nothing’s wrong. I’m fine.”
“Vi, tell me what’s wrong.”
“I told you, I’m fine. Just leave me alone.”
“I’m not going to leave you alone until you tell me what’s wrong.”
The process towards greater communication did not come easily. I had built up a well-guarded emotional wall around myself. To a large extent, it still exists.
Achieving better communication takes time and there is always room for improvement. It’s a never ending but worthwhile climb. Even when you think that you have a great relationship and truly open communication, some force of nature beyond your control will challenge those bonds and your ability to communicate. A job might be lost. A miscarriage might occur. A parent might pass away. Take these challenges as opportunities for growth.
Here are a few practical tips that have helped me. Hopefully they will help you too. And be sure to add your own tips. Please share what works for you.
Write a letter, or better yet, blog.
Like I said, I had a well-established emotional wall around myself and I found it extremely difficult to open up and talk. I didn’t feel safe enough to reveal my inner thoughts to my husband. Sometimes I didn’t even feel safe enough to reveal those thoughts and feelings to my own self. As I mentioned in my previous post, feeling safe is the number one condition for opening up and expressing yourself.
If you have difficulty, like me, in expressing yourself, then I suggest putting those thoughts in writing. Now, in the olden days, I’d say that you could write a letter to your spouse. Writing allows you to express yourself more freely without an immediate reaction and without being interrupted. Writing a letter feels safe.
Now, here’s a modern day twist on letter writing that my husband suggested for us – a private blog. It’s easy to set up a blog for just two people, and it has worked out brilliantly for us. It’s a safe place to spell out grievances, to rant and rave, and also for sheepish apologies.
Express yourself.
Express yourself rather than getting upset over the fact that your spouse is not a mind reader.
If you had a bad day at work or are coming home with a major disappointment, tell your spouse. Just be honest and say that you’ve had a rough day. Don’t assume that he already knows by the look on your face. He’s not a mind reader. Similarly, avoid saying one thing and meaning another.
Please don’t play the martyr. It also doesn’t benefit anyone, and it never ends well. Don’t think that your overwhelmingly bad day is not worth burdening others about. Bottling up your own emotions because you don’t want to unleash negativity may work in the short-run, but it certainly won’t in the long-run. Resentment and bitterness will slowly build up and those feelings will come out in unexpected ways.
Effectively expressing yourself also requires you to know yourself. This is where mindfulness comes into play. You have to be aware of your own feelings first before you can express them. Be aware of how you are feeling. You can even be aware of the fact that you are uncomfortable expressing those feelings. And my advice is, express exactly that. Start by saying that you are uncomfortable about expressing your feelings. At least you are trying, and it will mostly likely be received with sympathy and support.
Establish ground rules.
Although my husband and I have never formally sat down to establish ground rules, I think of the following as our ground rules:
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion.Every couple will have a different set of ground rules, because every couple is different. For instance, a common rule that doesn’t work for us is
Everyone is entitled to their own feelings.
Disagreements are allowed.
Don’t go to bed angry with each other.For the two of us, sometimes a good night’s rest helps to clear our heads and calm us down. But other couples swear by this rule and it works for them.
Avoid sweeping generalizations.
It’s easy to fall into the trap of the accusatory nevers and always.
“You never pick up after yourself.”The problem with nevers and always is that the only response is a defensive counterexample. Only one counterexample is needed to prove the accusation wrong. And this unleashes a vicious cycle of nitpicking.
“Yes, I picked up my socks that day last week.”
“Oh, that ONE day.”
Instead, try addressing the issue in the present moment. In a calm, matter of fact voice, I suggest saying,
“You left your socks on the floor.”Don’t take it personally.
It’s easy to perceive a situation as a personal attack and thus respond defensively. But most of the time, it’s not personal. Most of the time, it’s not about you, it’s about whoever is speaking. When you take things personally, you automatically become defensive. It’s much more effective to be assertive without being aggressive or defensive.
Find your own path.
After a couple makes a large sweeping effort to improve their communication, they become aware of what they are “supposed to” say for more effective communication.
You are supposed to validate each other’s feelings, speak about your own feelings, not speak in anger, etc. But couples don’t always follow these rules. Sometimes when my husband talks to me, I have an expectation of what he is supposed to say. And oftentimes he doesn’t say what he is supposed to say. The reality doesn’t match my expectation and a small voice in my head becomes outraged. That’s not what he’s supposed to say. He was supposed to validate my feelings and not accuse me.
In reality, there is no right thing to say. There may be better or worse ways to convey a thought, but there is no right way.
In the end, you have to find what works for you, and what works for you may not work for someone else.
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