Introversion and Shyness

I am introverted, and I am shy. These two traits are often confused, but they are in fact very different. I do not want to change the fact that I’m introverted, but I do want to overcome my shyness.

What’s the difference between introversion and shyness?

An introverted person prefers to be alone. He looks internally, while an extrovert looks externally. An introvert automatically filters his thoughts and speaks deliberately. An extrovert automatically says whatever is on her mind. Introverts have smaller social circles. Extroverts keep their social calendar full. Introverts seek alone time to rejuvenate, while extroverts seek the company of others.

In fact, many CEOs are introverts. Being introspective is a fantastic leadership quality. But shyness is not. Shyness is social anxiety. It’s characterized by a desire to socialize, but being afraid. The key difference is fear. A shy person is self-conscious, afraid of saying the wrong things, and being judged as stupid or socially awkward.

The resulting behavior may be the same – that is, being alone and not socializing, but an introverted person genuinely prefers being alone, while a shy person does not. A shy person actually wants to socialize, but may not out of fear.

One of my personal development goals is to overcome shyness, while maintaining my introverted self. Here are some ideas that have either helped me in the past or are currently being tested.

Be mindful enough to distinguish the two.
It’s very easy to convince yourself that you’re just being introverted when you’re actually shy. It’s the sour grapes syndrome. Oh, I didn’t really want to meet that person anyways. Being mindful of your true feelings is key. Do you want to socialize, but are starting to feel anxious and self-conscious? Then, perhaps you are being shy at the moment and should go out and socialize. Or, do you feel compelled to socialize just being it’s what you are supposed to do? Then, perhaps you are just being introverted at the moment and should remain alone.

Start with one-on-one conversations.
For me, I’ve found that it’s much easier to socialize one-on-one rather than in a group setting. Going to a networking mixer can be overwhelming by the sheer number of people. By starting with one-on-one conversations, you build social confidence. Then you can move slowly into larger settings. The inspiration behind this idea came from the concept of slow desensitization in dog training. The only problem is that I can’t guarantee a positive experience the way that I can in dog training by offering a treat. One-on-one conversations are a good place to start because it forces you to hold up your end of the conversation. You can’t escape. In a large group setting, you can easily escape either by sitting in the corner or joining in on a group conversation, but not really participating.

Be more active and less passive.
Shy people tend to skim under the radar in social situations. They just want to get out alive. And that typically means taking a passive role by letting others control the flow of the conversation. I am definitely guilty of this one. It’s easier to let others control the conversation. It takes less work and you are not liable for the conversation faltering. But you also won’t get as much out of it. Being more active is empowering. You can talk about topics that you are familiar with. This will put you more at ease and make the experience fun.

Accept the fact that not everyone will like you.
Some people will like you. Some people won’t. And it’s okay if others don’t like you. You don’t necessarily like everyone you meet either. Don’t take it personally.

Be compassionate.
When you get a puppy, all the experts recommend that you socialize it. You should take your puppy to meet as many people as possible and also other dogs (provided that vaccinations are complete). That way, when your puppy grows up into an adult, it is friendly and confident with everyone.

I always say that I was not properly socialized as a puppy. I didn’t have the opportunity to practice and develop the social skills that other people might have. And not being properly socialized as a puppy was not my fault. Understanding this helps me be more forgiving and compassionate of myself, especially when I look at all the socially confident people around me. When I have more practice, my social skills will improve as well.

Think of past successes.
It’s easy to think about past failures, which will only heighten your nervousness. Instead, right before you enter a social situation, think about past social successes. Think about how you met your best friend. You didn’t know that she would become your best friend at the time; you didn’t know her. And yet, you ended up connecting, bonding, and laughing together. Or, think about a time when you successfully met a stranger. You two shared a few laughs while waiting in line, bonded for a minute, and then departed on your separate merry ways.

Focus on your social goal.
What is your reason for socializing? Are you looking for a friend? Are you looking to network in order to identify potential business clients? Are you just looking to relieve boredom while waiting in line? If you are aimless in socializing, then you become pre-occupied with wanting to say the right things. But without a goal, what are “the right things” to say? At that point, you are just acting on instinct, making sure that you survive. But is there a real point to socializing just to make it out alive? If there is no point, then an introvert might as well not bother.

Quite a number of resources on socializing recommend (i) being genuinely interested in the other person, (ii) not talking about yourself, and (iii) asking questions to get the other person talking about himself. I have many problems with this advice. What’s the goal with this advice? The goal is to make people like you. I’m not convinced that is a good goal, unless you are a politician and need votes, because I’m not convinced that constantly seeking the approval of others leads to happiness. In any case, I already shy away from talking about myself and tend to ask others questions. But then, the conversation sounds like an interrogation. So maybe this advice works well for some, but it’s not for me.

Recently, I’ve decided that my social goal is to find a connection, something about the other person that we can both share. It can be as simple as connecting over the fact that the weather is beautiful. Or it can be complex as finding out that the person is in fact the architect who designed your new local Target store, which you’re absolutely adore. The idea here is that when you find a connection, then you remain authentically yourself. It’s not fake. You’re not seeking their approval. Instead, you are seeking to connect, relate, and share your human experiences.

All of this is very much a work in progress for me. So please, I invite you to share your tips on overcoming shyness, while retaining introversion.